My heart's been messing up again.
But I think it's just stress, so nothing major.

=/
A lot of things have happened; my best friend, the one person I thought would never leave me, has in fact done such that: left. Well, she didn't move or runaway, but she left ... me.

The reason why she left was because I was 'abusive' or 'always putting [her] down and treating [her] like scum'. I know it's childish and overdramatic to play this out - its been going on for about a month, but ... I still don't get it. I don't get it at all - and it severely frustrates me.

I've had this fear that people will leave me. Its been there since I went to 6th grade - new school, hoping I'd have my friends for support. I was scared as hell. And what did I get? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I had no friends, and ... Yeah. Lame, but I was heartbroken. I'm crying now, just thinking about how bad and horrible I felt. And then people wonder why I have such a low self esteem and constantly say sorry? My mother constantly reminds me about my weight; my dad yells when I do the smallest things wrong; my friends constantly leave; and as dramatic girl sounding as it is, I've never had a boyfriend?

I'm too dependent on my friend; ex friend, whatever. I know that, and I'm trying, trying to get over it. But it hurts ... good god, it hurts so much. Youd think I was in love with her, the way I'm talking right now. But she was my sister; my best fucking friend. And now she's gone.

Maybe I am the horrible person she says I was; I'm leaning more towards that as the situation increases. I don't get words out of her, just glares.

I'm trying ... I'm trying to be better; being nice to everyone and anything. What do I do to deserve this? What have I done? How can I fix it? I just don't know, I'm so .... lost.

And then theres my happiness issue: I can't remember the last time I could sit there and go 'Wow, I'm really happy'. I think somethings wrong with me - all I see are negative things. I never see the good in people, I always play out senerios in my head about how the person next to me will suddenly turn to me and starting yelling at me. Everytime I'm in a car or bus I imagine a car crash. When I'm home alone I can see someone coming in and taking me. Each time I go into a bank I'm afraid it'll get robbed.

I don't like being so paranoid. I hate it; I just want to be normal. Have more than two friends; one friend. Go out to parties, do something worth it. I want stories when I'm older about how dangerous and such an adrenaline rush highschool was.

But I can't. I'm not like that, and thats all I really want. I want my life to seem like something; not this dramatic teenage angst that keeps creeping up.

I just ..... I just want someone to hold me at night and make me believe everything will be alright, even though everyone knows it'll come back. I just want .... I just want to leave for a bit. Come back and my silly little problems resolved.

I want someone, in the words of Amber Pacific, to do whatever it takes to make my darkest days so bright.

Theres your taste of overdramatic teenage bullshit for the day.